Sixteen

Zechariah,

The day you were born I became a mom and you and I started on this adventure together. From the moment I knew you were coming, I was in love and the moment I held you in my arms, I was forever changed.

There are distinct advantages and disadvantages to being the oldest child. The biggest disadvantage is that every single stage of your life is uncharted territory and I have often found myself navigating with no map, no GPS and no idea where we were going to find ourselves. You were the first child I ever had to diaper, bathe, nurse, wean, feed, potty train, send to school, discipline and slowly let go into the world. Every time I have started to feel like I had a firm grasp on parenting you, you would change the rules and off we would go again...

From the beginning, you have had this HUGE personality. As a baby, I called you "little papa" because you looked like a wise little man with so much to say. Once you started talking, I realized that I was right. You always had to so much to share, so many questions, so many thoughts and opinions. You have always exhausted and amazed me. So much of who you are today, I saw in you as a little boy.

If I have any regrets in life Zech, it is that I wasn't always there to protect you. That you learned far too early what a scary place this world is and that there are people who can and will hurt you. I never could have imagined in those early years while I held you while you slept so I would not miss one breath, that the day would come when I couldn't stop the world from hurting you. This is something that has changed us both forever. And even as I have watched you hurt and could not hug and kiss it better, my heart broke with yours over and over again.

Sixteen years. You have experienced and lived so much in such a short time. And yet, your whole life is ahead of you. You have grown taller and stronger than me. You are still my little baby boy and sometimes I have to look twice because I don't recognize you behind the facial hair and muscles.

Yes, we have traveled this journey to sixteen together. At times you were so connected to me that you wouldn't let me out of your sight and there were other times that you wanted me as far away as I could possibly get. It hasn't been easy but my love for you is as constant as your very heartbeat and nothing will ever change that.

Today I see an amazing person standing before me. You have everything within to change the world. It's so cliche and absurd to say but you really are a diamond in the rough. You have yet to discover who you are and what you have to offer the world. But I see it all and I can't wait for you to discover what I already know.

Look deep inside and you will see what I do. Wisdom, strength and kindness. You have always been so nurturing to those most vulnerable. It is a part of who you are. You call things as you see them, you don't tolerate injustice or hypocrisy and you are one of the most charming people alive. You can use words to express yourself in ways most can not and your words can cut people straight to the core of who they are. You are intuitive and feel things deeper than most. These traits have been both a blessing and a curse to you but I pray that you will learn to see them as strengths and take ownership of who and what you are and what you were created to be.

You have many years of life yet to travel and I want to be with you every step of the way, I'll bring the map.

Love, Mom